I disliked G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. It wasn’t very good. It didn’t feel like the comic book or the cartoon. Just everything felt off about it. The ending reminded me of a bad parody of the end of Return of the Jedi. And the fact that Snake Eyes had a smile built into his mask… urgh.

Then months passed and I heard rumors about the sequel. And then there was trailers.

And I got excited.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation looked like a G.I. Joe movie should. Ninjas, explosions, Cobra banners unfurling down the front of the White House!

Everything felt like a G.I. Joe movie should feel.

And than it happened.

Paramount decided to pull it for almost a year.

All under the excuse of “upgrading” the film for 3D.

My first reaction was one of disappointment. I have yet to see a 3D conversion that was worth the time and money that they put into it. If conversion works, they haven’t done it on a movie I’ve seen.  Even then, the 3D story sounded fishy to me. Studios that have been really that concerned with getting on the 3D band wagon can get a conversion done really quickly. Clash of the Titans is a prime example of that. It was terrible but they got it done within a month. So my bullshit meter was firing pretty hard.

But apparently we’ve gotten the real story. The story that Channing Tatum wasn’t in the movie enough.

We had heard for months that Duke gets killed at the beginning of the new film which meant a crap load less of 2×4 Tatum boring me. Somewhere along the line, the general populace decided he was alright. A bunch of people saw 21 Jump Street, a bunch of people saw The Vow and apparently the test audiences wanted more of this fence post masquerading as a man. To those people and Paramount Studios, I have the following question to pose to you.




Okay, I get it a little, he’s had two hits this year and maybe he’s the it guy for ten minutes. But do you honestly think that this popularity will last until March of next year?


Have you looked at this man’s track record? Step Up, Step Up 2, The Eagle, Dear John, he has proven time and time again that he can’t carry a film. So what happens when you take all this time and effort to beef up a part for a guy who’s pretty much in the “Paul Walker” boat? Which is  a boat you don’t want to be in, by the way, because it looks nice but ultimately doesn’t float.

And why March?

March isn’t a horrible dumping ground for films but it isn’t the greatest either.

I know in your mind, you think you’re giving us fans a great signal. “We don’t want this film to be buried and we’re adding more of what you like” but in reality what the fans are hearing is “We don’t have faith in this film or that enough of you fans will see it so we’re going to add more of Duke because he’s pretty and at least one or two of you saw 21 Jump Street

Honestly my faith in the possibilities of this film has been shaken by what appears to me as Paramount’s complete lack of faith in this movie.

The guy I feel really bad for is director Jon Chu.

This is his first film away from dancing. He’s directed Step Up 2, Step Up 3D, that Justin Bieber movie, and it looked like he might have made a solid action flick. Given the amount of time we were away from G.I. Joe‘s release date, the film, if not locked, was pretty close to it. And then they tell him they need more of Tatum and push back the film to March 2013, it’s got to be a blow to the ego.

I guess what I’m getting at is… Paramount, you suck.

Remember that despite all of this, if you’re going to geek out… GEEK HARD!

Fear and Loathing in Geekdom #22 100 Bullets (getting to the party late)