Editor’s Note: This article was written and submitted before the incident in Aurora, Colorado. Our thoughts and condolences are with those affected by this awful and senseless tragedy. For those of you asking what you can do or if there’s somewhere specific you can send donations, please call (303) 739-6346 to make direct donations to the Colorado Organization for Victim Assistance or make them online at coloradocrimevictims.org.

 

I’m always shocked when one of Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight  movies comes out and we never hear of copy-cat vigilantes. I can understand the lack of Supermen and Green Lanterns running about major metropolitan areas, but anyone can be a sort-of  Batman. Trust me when my parents pass away, I plan on donning the cape and cowl to avenge their deaths (Even though they will more then likely die from natural causes). Damn you natural causes! *High angle camera shot, rain coming down.

Money is the only possible reason why any one hasn’t become Batmen yet. In fact, Economic Students at Lehigh University crunched the numbers and figured out exactly what kind of budget you would need to become a real life Dark Knight and… well, it was expensive. But for some reason I still believe it can be done. Honestly, if you just wanted to Batman up your little neighborhood, would you really need that much money?

Your  Costume

Leather and PVC look great but can cost a lot, so why not try pajamas or a nice warm pair of long johns instead? To add that extra bit of terror, you could not wear any underwear underneath. From a criminals perspective, nothing is scarier then watching a grown Man or Woman in a cape coming at you with their junk jiggling madly about underneath a thinly veiled polyester cotton blend. You add that Christian Bale voice with that insane costume and you can save your money on those expensive martial arts lessons cause no one’s f’n with you my friend.

The Weapons

Can some one say the dollar store? For two bucks you can get yourself some Bungee cords and a garden trowel and you’re scaling walls with ease. Batarangs? Try some sharpened DVD-R’s (what else are you saving them for dummy?). And when you need to get out of sticky situation in a hurry, sure a smoke bomb is good, but baby powder to the eyes works almost as well, and smells way nicer. Quite honestly, your only real issue at this point is mastering your three point stance.

What kind of Batcave to have?

Two words. Timothy McVeigh. A small cabin, possibly a garage, even a basement will do. All you need is wifi, a mini bar, and a  “My first Autopsy kit” from any respectable Toys ‘R’ Us store, and you’ll be your block’s greatest detective in no time.

Who doesn’t want a Batmobile?

Sure owning the tumbler would be awesome but just imagine Batman on public transit. Whipping out his monthly pass while hunting the criminal element. Giving his seat to the elderly while evading the cops. He’s just a man looking for justice and a transfer.

Every Batman needs a arch enemy

Batman has a serious rouges gallery, but you don’t need a psychotic clown to make yourself the ultimate good guy. Try the old lady who gives you dirty looks down the street every morning. Or the dude who’s doesn’t clean up after his dog. Currently my arch enemies are Trans Fats and preservatives. Damn you clogged arteries! Damn you to hell! *High angle camera shot, rain comes down.

All and all I think more then money, being insane is truly the only must when it comes to becoming Batman. Having a life mission of avenging your parents death is a great way to loose your mind but so is having an unhealthy obsession with bathtub mold. The way you go crazy is all up to you. But once you’ve decided on it, there’s nothing stopping you from being the best Dark Knight you can possibly be.

And if you’re gonna geek out, GEEK HARD!

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