After watching the Tupac Hologram at Coachella (Which apparently wasn’t  a hologram at all), I’ve realized one thing: We all need to start getting into hologram shape. Because it’s just a matter of time before the technology will be so affordable, that every house hold will be using it.

Just imagine a world where great aunts can sit in on Thanksgiving dinners long after their funeral. Expired grandparents can babysit grandkids they never met while the parents are away on vacation, and murdered gang members could once again participate in team building exercises like jumping a new member, while never disturbing the plot where their body lies.

 

What does this mean for the average person? No more Rest In Peace. More like Rest In See Yah When I See Yah.  You’ll be brought back to life so much you’ll make Jesus look like a hack. If I had to guess, I would say holograms would operate much like how cell phone plans work right now. I’m sure there would be family plans, and circle of friends. (Just hope your family doesn’t cheap out and put you on a pay as you go plan.) And just like cell phone plans, there are pros and cons when it comes personal Holograms for sure.

 

First, the Hologram Pro’s

– If you’re alive, think about all the shitty couples nights your significant other forces you to go to that you can now miss!

– Leaving memos for other people will be awesome.  “Help me Obi Wan. You’re my only hope… that you’ll clean my cats litter box while I’m away.”

– I’m sure the technology will be such that you can mix and match bodies and heads, making you the perfect specimen. Give me Robo-Cop’s body, Wolverine’s claws, and Batman’s face. Now bring my loved ones into the room,  I’m ready to read my last will and testament.

 

Now the Con’s 

– Assuming people would use Hologram technology with their phone calls, you will always have to be dressed. Which means you’ll need too tuck yo shit in when Nana calls.

Despite Jem’s insistence on calling them this, none of the band were actually holograms.

– So your loved ones are short on cash. Maybe they need a little assistance paying for your hologram this Christmas. Not a problem. With a little sponsorship help from Valtrex (the only true relief from herpies and gentile warts), they can have you there before you can say sugar plumb fairy.

– Receiving hologram memos will suck. Just imagine waking up to Robcop/Wolverine/Batman face standing over you and reminding you to pick up milk and to get an oil change. A few days go by. Now imagine Robocop/Wolverine/Batman face reading your suicide note to the police. Yeah I know.

So we all need to get ready. Do your crunches, get an outfit and prep something memorable to say cause in this new world of holograms, our lives aren’t done when we’re lowered into the ground. Personally, I can’t wait until people say “he died, was buried and came back to judge a hotdog eating contest at his local Hooters”.

 And if you’re gonna geek out, GEEK HARD.

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Last Week’s Column: Things I Learned While Buying Plastic Men – I Just Wanted to Enjoy The Planetarium