I saw a woman with her son watching a small water fall at the park the other day, and I overheard her ask him, “Who created the water fall”, to  which he replied “ Why God did, Mother” ( I added the Why and Mother part to emphasis creepiness). That was it. Nothing else, just “God did”. No mention of erosion or time. Just the Lord. Now, I don’t think this woman was a bad mother, but….

As I watched them climb into their SUV (Which God made), I thought to myself, I don’t think I would ever physically abuse a child. (I say  “I don’t think” cause you never know  when you’ll find yourself face to face with an infant zombie, and no one wants to be a hypocrite. So I’m pretty sure I would never physically abuse a kid. ) Kids are defenseless and trusting, and its up to us to mold them into the awesome geeks of tomorrow. So there really is no excuse.

But if you really need to get back at a kid, teaching them creationism is probably best retaliation we have on the market today..

I mean If you can’t help yourself, and the choices are between beating the shit out of your children and teaching them creationism, I would say go with creationism, hands down. First of all, teaching your kids creationism leaves no marks but they’ll still be scarred for years to come. Secondly, sending your children out into the world armed only with “beliefs”, “faith”, and no ability to question authority, is the best way to insure they’ll end up second in command of  a religious compound that will eventually get burned down by the FBI.

Most people on the planet have at least the slightest understanding of evolution. You’re backwards children would find themselves in conversations and debates with people who use theories like “Darwinism” and “DNA codes” liberally. So congratulations, you’ve armed your children with a musket full of  “A snake told a man and woman to eat an apple, and that’s how we got here”.

Now I’m not saying you have to agree with the majority because they’re the majority and nothing’s worse then a yes man. Believe in what you want to believe. But there also needs to be a healthy does of logic to go with your slice of faith. I mean come on, creationism spits in the face of logic because it’s a theory based on fear. Fear that if you accept the logic that’s right in front of you, then the whole story falls apart.

So keep on creationism – keep on.

How much better would it be for some shitty drunk Father to come home late at night, go upstairs and yell “Hey, you kids wake up, Daddy’s going to tell you how your mother came from his rib. That bitch never stops taking from me!”?  After 40 minutes of that, he could pop in a Kirk Cameron Blu ray that they could fall asleep to.

Don’t get it twisted. Only teaching your children creationism is child abuse, pure and simple. Blind creationism robs children the ability to survive in a world that is constantly evolving (see that?) and maybe if we as a society started treating it like such, we wouldn’t be wasting time and money on court cases and retarded battles in the public school system.

If you’re gonna geek out, GEEK HARD!

Follow me on twitter @GavinbStephens and join me on Facebook

Recent Columns:

Things I Learned While Buying Plastic Men: It’s Only 007, Relax.

Things I Learned While Buying Plastic Men:  OK, so if (Whipped Noise) is for the married guy, what’s the sound for the Single Guy?

Things I Learned While Buying Plastic Men: The New Horror Movie is on T.V.