I wear a lot of hats. I don’t mean that metaphorically, I actually wear a lot of hats. I’m balding, and I’m coming to terms with that fact. It’s not the cool kind of bald, although Hunter S. Tompson and Hulk Hogan seemed to make a career out of it. It’s the kind of bald that finds you wearing a cardigan at a craft fair. When I was 20, I listened to a lot of hip hop and I was also bigger, so I could put on a ‘tough guy’ facade which allowed me to intimidate people, giving me a false sense of power because I was very insecure and not sure who I was as a person. Man I miss that.
I can’t be tough now that I’m balding. The only way I could pull off tough is if I cut off the top of my skull and replace it with a glass dome. Nothing is more menacing then the “mad scientist look”. Trust me, every day is seniors day at shoppers drug mart when you have the mad scientist look. Personally, I’d rather learn to accept myself then go though the botched surgery that comes with a home scalping.
It must be harder being the Leader then it is being the Hulk.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, the Leader is dangerous… To Fandom, we get it. But to the average person, he looks like an alcoholic David Cross. There’s no mistaking what you’re getting from the Hulk. You see the Hulk coming at you, you run. The poor Leader doesn’t look scary nor does he look average. Every day, as he adjusts the mirror in his bathroom to fit in his giant cranium into view, he must mentally have to prepare himself for the inevitable challenge which awaits him out in the cold cruel world. Of course he’s smart. He has to be. Imagine if he wasn’t? Imagine if he looked like that and was an idiot? You can’t be both. You can’t be an idiot and look like an idiot. It’s crossing the streams. The Leader has to be a whole, yet crazy person, whereas the Hulk can just be a one dimensional mass of green. And sometimes it’s just easier being a mass of green.
My 20’s were easy because people expected me to act according to the way I looked and I did. It’s a simple persona, based on an a simple equation that was already out there, like a warm jacket from Winners. There’s no warm Winners jacket for the bald man. (I’m sure there is. I meant ‘warm jacket’ as a metaphor) When you realize you’ve started to bald, it’s basically a countdown to becoming interesting because if you’re not, you’re just the bald guy who doesn’t know he’s bald. When that receding hair line rears it’s ugly head, you need to start reading books and taking cooking classes cause it’s only a matter of time.
The only way to distract from the balding is to embrace it, as if you meant to go bald this whole time. And the only way to do that is to become interesting. “Hey, I’m already learning to mod Ikea furniture and I’m currently working on finding a favorite font.” See? Interesting.
Balding is looked at by some as a weakness, which I find weird. What’s stronger then balding? It can’t be stopped, it has no know weakness and can destroy a young man’s life with a single glance in the mirror. You know when people lose one of their senses like sight, the others become stronger? Well It’s the same with balding. You loose the hair on your head, the ones in your nose and ears become that much more prevalent. The only difference between loosing your sight and balding is nobody cares. There’s no cane or dog for bald people. Here’s a hat, try not to have a growth on top of your head, that’s it.
Dude, there are a ton of guys, and some girls, in Fandom going through the same thing I’m going though. Balding is hard on your social life but the genius is now you can go full out on all your interests. Become whatever you want. If you like building blanket forts, balding is when you can do it. Hand ball champion? Hells yes! The albatross of hair has been lifted from around your neck. You’re now free to go out and be weird, different and interesting. In fact, you really don’t have a choice. The clock is ticking.
If you’re gonna geek out, GEEK HARD!
Follow me on twitter @GavinbStephens