It’s time for another Two Brothers Review. Usually, the way this column works is that I review a film, talking about it’s technical and narrative flaws, and then follow it up with the funny things my brother Nathan said during and after watching the film with me. This time, we’re doing things a bit differently. There will be no in depth analysis of this film. I don’t think I could truly put myself through that again. Instead, there will be a brief explanation of the movie along with a bit of background on it’s origins and then my brother and I will present the many reasons on why no person should ever watch this film.
My brother and I sat down yesterday to watch the movie Comforting Skin. After screening at various film festivals throughout 2011 and 2012, including Vancouver, Slamdance and Fantaspoa (in Brazil), the film never got a theatrical release. This is not surprising after you read the film synopsis:
A lonely young woman’s desperate need for emotional and sexual companionship draws her into a surreal and ultimately destructive relationship with a shifting and whispering tattoo she has willed to life on her skin.
As stupid as it sounds, this synopsis only scratches the surface on how bad the movie actually is. The film borders on porn and the acting is of the same caliber. Every scene is either creepy or boring. I’m not sure if it can be put into words. But seeing as how this film is now available on DVD as of today, my brother Nathan and I feel that we should give fair warning to deter any lost souls from mistakenly purchasing this disturbing and unsettling piece of garbage. What follows is our reasons on why you should avoid Comforting Skin at all costs as it is not comforting at all.
This the whole film: Tits, Tattoo, Tits, Tattoo, loud music…….tattoo….tits.
It already starts out fucked up when the tattoo has sex with the girl…..but it gets really fucked up when the tattoo rapes her.
It’s perfectly normal to get a tattoo and just start humping the bed. I have a friend who got a tattoo, didn’t see him for a week. I’m guessing he was too busy humping his bed. Now I know. Thanks movie…..I guess.
The girl who gets the tattoo is named Koffie. We didn’t realize this until the tattoo called her by this name. Before that, we thought people were just asking for coffee at the weirdest times.
There’s a supporting character who looks like Uncle Eddie from Grounded for Life (Kevin Corrigan) who writes a symphony that can only be described as “Jeopardy Scream” – it literally sounds like cats after they’ve injured their paws. He also places a random chess piece on the table in one scene for NO FUCKING REASON! (Sadly, this is the best character in the film).
Other characters include an older woman who loves partying until younger, hotter women come into the picture…..then she goes bat-shit crazy and boot stomps ’em. Later, she has sex with her friend’s foot.
And how can we forget the ex-boyfriend. We’re supposed to believe that Koffie tried to kill herself over this piece of shit. The man looks like he could be her grandfather, weighs at least 350 pounds and has the worst combover. How are we going to believe that the girl has a telepathic link to her tattoo when we can’t even believe she dated this fossil. The tattoo is an improvement.
Koffie is obsessed with pop rocks. There’s one scene where she baths in them. I can handle her humping her tattoo. I can handle her trying to give head to some random waiter for no reason. But I cannot handle the pop rocks bathing scene. That was fucking gross. Why the fuck would you do that. I already don’t like the idea of eating them. Smearing them all over your body is just too much.
There was one scene where there was hope. The girl and her sister go into a comic shop. They stay there for ten seconds then the scene cuts to them in a sunglasses hut. Fuck you movie.
This actually made Rise of the Gargoyles look like a good movie. This movie made me scared of tattoos. I feel bad for every actor in the movie. I also feel bad for the director. I can’t believe this was actually somebody’s dream film.
It’s like they took the most disturbing parts from Black Swan and made them so dumb that you wouldn’t care, you would just ask “why?”
We didn’t even finish the movie. There was only so much we could take.
We have never felt this bad about a film before. If you enjoy cinema at any level, please avoid seeing this movie. It has taken up space in our memories where a better film could live. Don’t make the same mistake. Do not watch Comforting Skin.
If you’re gonna geek out, GEEK HARD!